Tag Archives: Fear
Commitment
The dictionary defines commitment as “the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc.”
Through the course of my life, I’ve had trouble committing to things and sticking with losing weight, exercising, writing a book and a host of other things.
Which is why I was petrified when I got married again and became pregnant at 37. Once I crossed over the threshold into motherhood, I signed on to the scariest and biggest commitment of my life. I knew things would change and I was right because it’s been sixteen years now since my free spirit took a back seat.
I would be lying if I told you it’s been easy or that there haven’t been days I wanted to quit. Marriage is hard, parenting is even harder, but raising children with special needs is beyond difficult. Yet and still, I couldn’t imagine life without them. My love supersedes everything and compels me to keep going.
That’s not to say, I don’t miss the years I’ve flitted around like a hummingbird. But I’ve realized that commitment was exactly what I needed most because it forced me to grow up. I’ve since learned that avoiding commitment or responsibility only keeps us stuck, stagnant and stunts our growth and maturity in life and relationships. So I’d rather wrestle with the struggles and hardships that comes with commitment rather than avoid it and miss out on the opportunity to grow and mature in Christ.
“Let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.” Galatians 6:9
Posted in blogging, christianity, faith, family, marriage, Non-Fiction, writing
Also tagged Anxiety, Children, commitment, Family, Growth, hardships, Jesus, Jesus Christ, Marriage, Maturity, responsibility, struggles
Leave a comment
Redeeming Lost Time
I was speaking with my therapist last week about choices. I was explaining why certain things didn’t happen in my life and what occurred and why it lead me to where I am today. There was a significant amount of loss.
The topic came up because I was rehashing what happened in my writing group. I had submitted a piece I had worked on for critique. What usually occurs is everyone gets a turn telling you what they liked or disliked or what worked or didn’t work for them. I struggle with getting critiques because I’ve been criticized for most of my life.
My therapist explained my writing isn’t me. Meaning, they are not critiquing me as a person, they are only critiquing my writing. But I responded that my writing is me.
It’s the same thing when I cook. I like to cook and feed people. When I cook, I cook from my heart. It’s an act of giving. My cooking is an expression of who I am. So, if someone doesn’t like my cooking, I take it personally. Just like I do with my writing.
I gave my therapist a time table of every creative endeavor I’ve pursued since I was a teenager. I had the same issue with each of them. First, it was acting, then fashion design, then singing, and then writing. In that sequence.
I get the fact that we need critiques to improve and grow. However, I can’t help it if I struggle to the point of giving up. I’ve repeated the same pattern throughout the course of my life. I’m tired of this cycle and getting nowhere.
Here I am at 53, and in the same position that I was in my 20’s. It’s kind of sad actually. The Lord gave me creative abilities for a reason and I’ve allowed fear and people’s words to stop me.
My therapist is astute and asked me one simple question. “Are you trying to play catch up and make up for lost time?” I sat there and thought about it, and realized the answer is yes. Now I understand where all this pressure is coming from. I’ve made so many mistakes in the past that now I’m afraid to fail.
I have to remind myself that I wasn’t meant to be perfect in the first place. I can and will make mistakes in my life and writing. I can give myself permission to write crappy, make mistakes, and even fail. Failing isn’t the worst thing that can happen to me or you because that’s when we learn the most and can become better.
This quote by Anne Rice resonated with me this week, “To write something you have to risk making a fool of yourself.” So true.
We have to risk making a fool of ourselves. We are ever evolving as people and as writers. There is always something new to learn. We won’t stop learning and growing until we die. That’s if we allow ourselves and don’t give up.
I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of fear and people kicking me in the butt. The past is the past. This is the present. I don’t have to play catch up and try to redeem lost time. I can start from where I’m at and give myself permission to learn, grow, make mistakes and even fail. I hope you will do the same.
Posted in anxiety, blogging, writing
Also tagged Acting, Afraid, Aging, Anne Rice, Blogging, catch up, Cooking, Creativity, Critique, Critiquing, failing, Failure, fashion design, gifts, God, Growing, Identity, Jesus, Learning, Lost time, Mistakes, past, People, present, pursuing dreams, redeeming, redeeming lost time, Singing, therapist, Therapy, Writing
Leave a comment
A New Decade
Happy New Year. I can’t believe we are well into the new year and a new decade.
Right before the new year stuck, the Lord gave me two verses.
Photo credit: Carrie ~ Creative Commons Flickr
“I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:14
“God is with her, she will not fail.” Psalm 46:5 (I bought myself a coffee mug with this on it).
I sensed the Lord encouraging me, as if to say, you are entering a new season.
As I’ve mentioned, it hasn’t been an easy few years for me and my family. Not that anything has changed, but I believe I’ve grown in the spiritual department and I’m grateful for that.
It’s not easy to walk by faith and not by sight. I guess the control freak in me wants to know everything before it happens. Don’t we all? But, God wants us to trust Him in all things, not just some, but ALL.
My situation has given me no other option but to trust Him. I mean, my life is literally in His hands. I lean on Him for everything now because I have no choice. I can’t say I’m any less anxious, but I can say He’s been faithful every step of the way.
******
Fear has been the biggest hindrance in my life. It has stopped me from many things. It’s been a stumbling block, roadblock and obstacle, especially with writing. I’m aware all writers are faced with insecurity and fear, but many push through it and actually achieve their dreams.
My fear is paralyzing me from actually doing it because I think others are better than I am and who in the world is going to want to read what I write? There are millions of incredible writers/authors out there. Many have Master’s degrees from elite Ivy League universities. I haven’t even gotten an Associate’s degree. So, how can I even compete, not that I actually want to compete, because I’m not the competitive type. But, you know what I mean.
If there is one thing I would want to overcome in this new year and decade, is this horrible fear, insecurity and comparison trap that prevents me from writing.
I also don’t want to continue chasing other things to avoid doing what I believe the Lord has called me to do which is to write. I’ve been running from it and busying myself with other more productive things to do. But, I’m tired of the start, stop, start, stop. I’m 53 and this is getting old already. I don’t want to get to the end of my life and regret never trying and giving it my all.
The fear of failure is so strong that paralyzes me from writing. The irony is that I wind up failing because I give up. It’s a perpetual cycle that repeats itself over and over again.
I don’t believe in new year’s resolutions, but if I were to have one, it would be to overcome this gigantic monster called fear and write no matter what.
What about you? Is there something you’ve been wanting to do, but you’ve stopped yourself because of fear, insecurity or thinking others are better than you are? If so, please comment below or shoot me an email.
Posted in writing
Also tagged 2020, calling, Cycles, Fear of failure, New Decade, New Year, Overcoming Fear, Success, Victory, Writing
Leave a comment
Why I Auditioned For The Voice
There was thousands ahead of me…
And thousands behind me…
I became friends with the dude in the light blue shirt. His name is Skyler Kite. His mother rescued me from the ravages of heat. She saved my spot on line, so that I can go in the shade to cool off. What an angel. This is where I met her son, Skyler, he was hiding from the sun too.
Little did I know that he and another young lady would be accompanying me through the maze of long lines. We wound up laughing a lot and having a good time. It reminded me of my acting days.
There is a camaraderie in the arts. When I was in acting school, the other students and I became close. We had a lot in common and shared the same dreams and aspirations.
But let me get to the reason why I decided to audition for The Voice.
Last Wednesday, I never made it home after work. At Port Authority, I began seeing flashing lights in both my eyes which came out of nowhere. I was unable to see and it made me very nervous. I wound up being taken in an ambulance to the hospital. They ran all sorts of tests and found nothing.
They released me on the grounds that I would see my neurologist within two days. I went the following day and gave a ton of blood. I still do not have answers, but he thinks it may be migraines. I do suffer from migraines, but he tells me the flashing lights in the eyes is a precursor to a stroke. Great.
Hearing that kind of thing woke me up and made me see my own mortality. Which is why I decided to go out on a limb and audition for The Voice. It was mostly an exercise to face my fear.
If truth be told, I was never comfortable performing or singing in front of people.
I love music. It is a passion of mine besides books. My escape is music and books. So early on, I decided I wanted to be an actress and singer. I also frequented dance clubs (yes, underage). I loved to express myself dancing (still do). But once I got into the professional aspect of acting and singing, it was no longer fun. It became cut throat and competitive.
I’m not a competitive person. Never was and never will be. Which is why I was talking to everyone freely at The Voice audition. I was genuinely excited for everyone there and wanted them to do their best. I have a passion to encourage the youth to pursue their dreams.
I have to say, all The Voice staff were cool. I have never seen such friendly and approachable people at an audition in my life. I give The Voice a big kudos for hiring the nicest and friendliest people. This helps makes the experience unique and a positive one.
By the time we reached the final stretch, we were put into groups of 10. We waited against a wall to enter a room with the judge. We each sang our selection and when we were done, the judge selected a 15 year old who sounded a bit like Alicia Keys. I was happy for her, she is just starting out her singing career and that’s an incredible way to begin. I spoke to her prior to her audition and she said this was her first time auditioning for this kind of venue. I told her it was mine as well.
All in all, it was a great experience. I faced my fear, I auditioned well, met some amazing people and had a good time. I couldn’t ask for more.
Have you ever auditioned for The Voice or something similar? If so, how was your experience?
Posted in blogging
Also tagged Auditions, Competition, Music, Singing, Skyler Kite, Success, The Voice
6 Comments
Does Anyone Else Want To Overcome Fear?
I don’t know what I was thinking when I accepted Jon Acuff’s Start challenge a couple of weeks ago. Perhaps I was delusional.
He invited over 2,000 people to participate and over 200 accepted. I was one of them.
Each morning I get an inspirational email from Jon Acuff. I start my day off on the right foot, only to wind up with fear… in my face.
Courtesy of PATRICK BOEHNER – Creative Commons
Fear is relentless.
It tells me I’m no good. It tells me I am not a writer. It tells me to give up.
Jon Acuff tells me to punch fear in the face.
So, fear and I start going at it first thing in the morning. I wind up losing time and time again.
Fear harasses me when I wake up then bullies me all day long.
Forget about when I want to write… fear hurls its ugly insults at me.
Fear is a bully.
Friends, I can’t seem to beat fear. I keep trying to confront this bully, but fear keeps winning every time.
I’m inflated one moment then deflated the next.
I honestly wish I can overcome fear and win for once, instead of allowing it to overpower my life.
Ironically, the minute I committed to the Start challenge, my whole world turned upside down.
I don’t want to bore you with the details, but when I tell you this year has been full of changes, it’s an understatement.
They say change is good, but too many changes at one time is not. At least, not for me.
Fear is a torment, it stops my dreams and prevents me from doing anything worthwhile in my life.
Does anyone else want to overcome fear besides me?
Posted in blogging, writing
Also tagged Bully, Jon Acuff, Overcoming Fear, Start, Start Challenge
8 Comments
Insecurity, The Bully
Photo Courtesy of Creative Commons
Do you know her? Insecurity? If you do, then you know she’s a possessed bully.
Insecurity has an uncanny way of showing up even when she’s uninvited. She is obnoxious and rude. She is no friend of mine. No siree.
Insecurity annoys me to the utmost. Every time I think I’m going to beat her at her own game. She winds up winning.
What makes matters worse is that she’s always laughing at me. You know the sinister kind you hear in a horror flick. Infuriating.
I want to kick her in the butt, like “Karate Kid” or “Rocky”.
Insecurity has been bullying me all my life. Every time I would get on stage to sing, I would hear her cackling and saying, “Ha! She thinks she can sing. Watch her crack or forget her lyrics. It’s hilarious.”
I start to recite scriptures to myself to drown her out. Nothing works, I could feel my throat constrict, heart race and palms sweat. Insecurity wins again.
Insecurity always sneaks up on me unawares as I sit staring at a blank page. She howls, “You can’t write, just like you can’t sing. There are so many other talented people who can really sing, write and do everything much better than you. Haven’t you realized you don’t matter? Nobody is even remotely interested in what you have to say. Look at you, what have you accomplished in your life? You are going to be 46 years old and you’ve done nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada. You know why? Because you are a loser with a capital ‘L’.”
At this point, I’m either going to do “Moves like Jagger” or go “Rambo” on her. Or better yet… shoot her! Metaphorically speaking, that is. I shalt not murder. So, get thee behind me… Insecurity.
I’m sick of listening to her go on and on and on. She’s incessant and never shuts up. I’m tired of her already. I want to be free of Insecurity, once and for all, whatever the cost.
Do you struggle with insecurity? Are you ready to kick her in the butt and tell her where to go?
Posted in blogging, faith, writing
Also tagged Eye of the Tiger, Insecurity, Karate Kid, Moves Like Jagger, Rambo, Rocky, Singing
8 Comments
Follow
embodyart