Tag Archives: Insecurity

Why Do You Write?

By Ordinary Servant | Published September 26, 2013

I enjoy reading interviews of writers and their creative process.

In the past few days, I have been reading interviews of great authors, such as Ernest Hemingway, F. Scott Fitzgerald, William Faulkner and Gustave Flaubert.

Courtesy of Creative Commons

I noticed a common thread in these authors is narcissism.

There seems to be a correlation between creative genius and mental illness.

Ernest Hemingway shot himself. F. Scott Fitzgerald was depressed. William Faulkner was an alcoholic. Actually, all three were alcoholics. Gustave Flaubert’s personal life was a bit ‘out there’.

******

I’ve been lurking behind the scenes and observing writers lately.

Writers seem to be plagued by insecurities, much like great authors were.

Writers want to be known. They want their writing to be read and heard. They want to know their writing matters to others and is making a difference in someone’s life.

Personally, I don’t get many comments or traffic on my blog. Nor do I have a large following, audience or platform.

I have had to come to terms that it may always stay this way.

Occasionally, I’ll get a reader who tells me they enjoy my posts and likes my writing. But, not very many.

Truthfully, the more I write and share what God puts on my heart, the less people seem to like it and thus, I get less traffic.

Which is why I had to ask myself the following questions:

1) Am I writing for God, myself or others?

2) Why do I write in the first place?

3) Will I continue to write even if no one reads it and/or my audience never grows?

My answers:

1) I write for God and myself.

2) I write because I love to write. I love words. I love the artistic expression and creative process. I love reading books and writing.

3) Now this one was a hard one to answer, because as I mentioned above, all writers want to be heard and appreciated. But I’ve come to the conclusion, that I do not want my writing to be about someone else liking or accepting it. I want God’s approval. I want to write what I’m passionate about whether anyone else agrees with it or likes it or not. Other people liking my writing is just the icing on the cake.

I’ve discovered that to continue writing, the ‘why’ has to be bigger than the ‘obstacle’.

If your why isn’t bigger than your obstacle, then you won’t keep at it.

If you are only writing for man’s applause or recognition, you will eventually be disappointed and give up.

Writing for others is the wrong focus and motivation.

Writers have to be comfortable and content  for art’s sake.

Even if no one reads your writing, you should still want to write anyway.

Writing should never be about other people, but about God and you.

This is the reason why I write.

Now it’s your turn, why do you write?

 

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Wrestling With The In-Between

By Ordinary Servant | Published July 23, 2013

I am reading this book which is really provoking me. I’m sure you all heard me speak of Jeff Goins. Well, I am reading an advanced copy of his new book called, The In-Between, which is coming out on August 1st.

I just started reading it and can’t put it down. I absolutely love the way Jeff Goins writes. He is never boring. He also exudes wisdom in his writing. He’s an old soul. I also find myself relating to much of what he writes. I’m not going to give it all away because I want you to read and experience it for yourself. I will also be posting a review when I am done.

He is really making me think. The kind of deep, looking at yourself kind of thinking. I find myself stopping, remembering, and making connections in my own life. This is the reason why I follow his blog because not only is it good writing, but he really makes you think and gives you meat to chew on. I aspire to write like him.

I know, I know, I am not really comparing myself to him although I can’t help but admit I truly wish I can write like he does. But then, I wouldn’t be myself, right?

I go through a liturgy within myself of all the reasons why no one would like my writing. Why would anyone bother reading what I write? There are people like Jeff Goins, Chris Brogan, Seth Godin, Steven Pressfield, and Andi Cumbo. I mean, who in the world wants to read what I have to say?

Which is why I totally feel dejected and rejected when someone unfollows or unfriends me. I get repulsed with myself in the sense that I’m being totally self-absorbed and pathetic.

Why do I want to matter so much? Why do I want everyone in the world to like and accept me? What is this thing inside of me that wants me to be like everyone else instead of being myself, being happy with myself and that being good enough?

I mean, for goodness sake, I’m going to be 47 years old. You would think I would grow up already and display some sort of maturity here? I feel like I’m still stuck in high school, trying to be accepted by my peers. To be in the “in” group and part of the cool clique. I believe this may even be called narcissism.

I wrestle within myself; one part of me says, Who cares what people think about you, your writing, or what you have to say? The next minute I’m licking my wounds from someone unfollowing me because they didn’t like what I had to say.

Jeff Goins says, You don’t write for other people; you write for yourself. You don’t write for accolades; you write because you have to. You see? He’s so smart.

In his book, The In-Between, he discusses writing as a calling. I’m trying to figure out if writing is my calling or not. With so many talented writers out there, where do I fit in?

I don’t have the answer, but despite the resistance to write and publish, I will continue… as hard as it is for me… I will try to be brave and courageous as those I mentioned above and not give up.

What about you? Do you go through this as a writer? How do you battle the resistance and the incessant negative voices?

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Insecurity, The Bully

By Ordinary Servant | Published October 2, 2012

Photo Courtesy of Creative Commons

Do you know her? Insecurity? If you do, then you know she’s a possessed bully.

Insecurity has an uncanny way of showing up even when she’s uninvited. She is obnoxious and rude. She is no friend of mine. No siree.

Insecurity annoys me to the utmost. Every time I think I’m going to beat her at her own game. She winds up winning.

What makes matters worse is that she’s always laughing at me. You know the sinister kind you hear in a horror flick. Infuriating.

I want to kick her in the butt, like “Karate Kid” or “Rocky”.

Insecurity has been bullying me all my life. Every time I would get on stage to sing, I would hear her cackling and saying, “Ha! She thinks she can sing. Watch her crack or forget her lyrics. It’s hilarious.”

I start to recite scriptures to myself to drown her out. Nothing works, I could feel my throat constrict, heart race and palms sweat. Insecurity wins again.

Insecurity always sneaks up on me unawares as I sit staring at a blank page. She howls, “You can’t write, just like you can’t sing. There are so many other talented people who can really sing, write and do everything much better than you. Haven’t you realized you don’t matter? Nobody is even remotely interested in what you have to say. Look at you, what have you accomplished in your life? You are going to be 46 years old and you’ve done nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada. You know why? Because you are a loser with a capital ‘L’.”

At this point, I’m either going to do “Moves like Jagger” or go “Rambo” on her. Or better yet… shoot her! Metaphorically speaking, that is. I shalt not murder. So, get thee behind me… Insecurity.

I’m sick of listening to her go on and on and on. She’s incessant and never shuts up. I’m tired of her already. I want to be free of Insecurity, once and for all, whatever the cost.

Do you struggle with insecurity? Are you ready to kick her in the butt and tell her where to go?

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